Tuesday, September 22, 2015

She came...

She came...

...Two weeks after my water broke, unexpectedly, in the middle of the night.

...After two weeks of bed rest and worry.

...In compete silence at 3:48 AM on a Tuesday morning. 

...After 14 hours of labor.

...With only a heartbeat.

...Possessing as much love as I had for any of my other children at their births.

...And stayed for only an hour before slipping into eternity.

...With the most beautiful face and tiny little hands.

...And I'll never be the same again.

Caroline Ava Joy Cox
September 15, 2015 at 3:48 AM
1lb .2oz and 11.5in

The flu-like symptoms began on Sunday night and lasted through the day on Monday.  A call to the doctor produced no results and I continued to worry about what was wrong.

At 1:00 PM Monday a backache began that was not the usual cramping I had been experiencing since my water broke two weeks before.  Again, my doctor told me it was nothing to worry about.

At 6:00 PM, in the restroom, something was definitely not right.  I thought I would deliver her, right there, in the toilet.  Later I was to find out that her foot was being delivered first and this is what I felt.

We headed to the hospital, and by the time we arrived around 7:30 PM, I was in full labor.  The plan of action was dependent on infection or not...I had an infection.  Induction was the only option and they would not intervene on her life because "viability grey zone" was (exactly) one week away.  They were not willing to compromise their expert opinion.  Caroline would be born, alive, via my first VBAC, and would not be saved.  I would watch my littlest girl pass away and there was nothing I could do about that...nothing. 

The on-call doctor. my delivery nurse, April, and the charge nurse were all amazing.  I could not have asked for better.  We got to hold and love on our girl for close to eight hours.  They bathed her, dressed her in the tiniest and cutest little dress, and took pictures for Mommy and Daddy.

When they took her away, so I could be taken into surgery for bleeding problems, a huge chunk of my heart went with her and is now buried with her.  I did not get to see or hold her again and will never, until Heaven.

Caroline was laid to rest on Saturday, September 19, 2015 at 11:00 AM in the most lovely of graveside services I have ever been to.  Her great uncle officiated, the songs "It Is Well With My Soul" and "Sweet Caroline" were played, and there were so many pink and white flowers...exactly what I wanted. 

This same day my milk came in full force and while it is adding insult to injury; the emotional and physical pain are great, I am also so privilege to get to carry Caroline's milk for a while longer.

There is a gapping hole in my heart, mind, and life without Caroline here.  There is no longer a pregnancy to nurture or a little girl to prepare for.  There are no more kicks, ultrasounds or heartbeats.  There will never be birthdays, dresses, dance lessons, baby dolls, graduations, a wedding day, crying, laughing, running, playing, holding her big brothers' hands, or playing dress up with her big sister.  There will never be anything again for my Sweet Caroline, not on this earth, and I cannot breathe at the thought.  But, though it be hard to see right now, I am thankful for the promise that she is with her Heavenly Father.  Thankful that He hasn't left me alone in this.  Thankful for each gift He gave me throughout her life (in the womb and out) and death.  And thankful that He is carrying me.

I miss you, my Sweet Caroline, with every breath I take and every beat of my heart, I miss you.  I am so sorry that my body didn't protect you.  I am so sorry that it betrayed us both.  I pray that you do not even know that forgiveness is needed, but if you do, I pray that you will.  I love you so much.  I will miss you until I see you again.

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27



1 comment:

  1. I thought of you today while I was driving through South Texas. I just turned off the radio and prayed for peace for you. I prayed that today could be a "good" day and that you would feel some comfort. Then I thanked God for Caroline and I thanked God for your faith. I will be praying for you often.